Last week I posted on Facebook that I think I just may be ready to put the batteries back into the darn clock. Again, people interpreted this to mean a variety of things. It sparked quite a few phone calls and texts from family and friends. So then I began to think “Whoooa. Slow down everybody.” Nothing is about to occur tomorrow. To me this simply meant that I

think I am ready to be open to the possibilities. Now I am an old school lady so for me I still believe first comes love(wow) then comes marriage(double WOW) then comes Clever with the baby carriage(speechless!). Just typing that felt kind of strange but I have my days where I can see it. Then I have my days where it almost makes me hyperventilate. I was chatting with a friend of mine and I asked him “Do you ever feel torn between freedom & commitment?” Being the avid love enthusiast and gentleman that he is, he immediately affirmed that he never does but he asked me to be more specific. So I ran it down to him.
This internal battle of mine has nothing to do with sex. When I say freedom I am not saying that I am looking to be involved with multiple men. That’s never been my style. It’s more like this. Today my body was aching from head to toe. Therefore, I laid in my bed ridiculously late. I woke up brushed my teeth, ate some crackers then sat my achy self back on my bed and proceeded to do some work on my laptop. I didn’t eat a proper meal until almost evening time. Who was there to complain about that? Nobody. I didn’t have to entertain anyone. I wasn’t responsible for feeding anyone. It was my time to do what I pleased with it. Then there’s my spontaneous personality. I love the fact that if I up and decide I want to go out of town at the spur of the moment I can. I like being able to up and go to the beach at night. I like knowing that if I decide I want to quit my job and become a full-time entrepreneur I can do that without having to consult with anyone and even more without having to worry if it will complicate anyone’s life besides my own. I could go on but I think I’ve made my point.

So from there my friend told me he somewhat understood what I was saying but he felt that two people should be able to share such “freedoms” together and that it was part of the “evolving process.” Ok then I felt attacked. Was he saying I haven’t evolved yet? Geez. I am the first to admit that I am a work in progress but I’m not going to accept that my evolution is stunted. Lol. But it got me to thinking and I am grateful for friends who challenge me. Personally, I think it’s pretty mature of me of me to be thinking this through. So many people jump into relationships and marriages based off how they feel at the moment. They may be lonely or trying to get over the pain of a previous relationship. I believe people often think that adding another person to the mix can instantly fix those problems. Well the new relationship could possibly fulfill those tasks but if you are not ready to be committed it is destined to fail. Commitment goes beyond fidelity. It is a change in your lifestyle. It’s no longer all about self. It’s about the team. It’s about the partnership. There has to be a will to submit to that union. So I am going to commend myself for not trying to unleash my uncertainty onto others. I’ve noticed that some people put more thought into picking out a pair of shoes than they do into picking out a partner, spouse or person to have children with. So I’m pleased with my ever roaming and sharp Aquarian mind.

But here comes the oxymoronic part of myself. Actually, when I am in a relationship it truly makes me happy to see him happy on all levels. I don’t forsake the little things and if you know me at all you know that I am not selfish and I absolutely LOVE children. So why is it that I’m not feeling 100% ready to make that leap? I know that ultimately I do want to end up on the committed side. I do believe it’s a beautiful thing but there is indeed hesitation. Maybe it’s because I know how giving I am and I’m not quite ready to surrender all that to anyone at the moment or maybe I am just truly enjoying my time with myself right now. Could there be a little fear? Maybe a little. I think it’s a combination of a few things. Anyway, the end result is that I’m not quite ready to jump. Yes, I realize that I am 31 but news flash: I am still young and I believe time is still on MY side. Therefore, I want to put those batteries in one at a time and wind the clock slowly. But hey, it’s back on and ticking. That’s a start right? So I wonder, are there others fighting this battle or has everyone else completely surpassed me in the evolutionary process? **smile**

I believe too many of our people are waiting for some magical leader to come along and save us or we are inactive because we think you have to be the equivolent of Malcolm X or Martin Luther King Jr in order to make a change. So many do not realize that WE have the power within ourselves to create the positive changes we wish to see in our families and within our communities. In the meantime there are basic, fundamental things that are not being done…The movement is called “5 Simple Things YOU can DO” I do not claim this to be “the solution.” I do consider it to be a starting point. Let’s begin to take action now. There is work to be done right in front of you!Please share this information with your family and friends.

**You can find this video on youtube under cleverspeaks**

So before I go any further, let me state the obvious. Not all women think and feel the same way when it comes to this topic. That’s why this is a guide to MY femininity. However, I do believe this will be a guide to understanding a lot of my sisters as well. First of all, I am reluctant to call myself a feminist because of the negative connotations that come along with that word. I love and support my brothers; oftentimes without reciprocity. Therefore, I never want to be looked at as a man hater. However, I believe strongly in female equality

and empowerment. I guess rather than challenging the stereotypes associated with the word I just choose to call myself pro-estrogen. It’s not quite as jagged of a pill and I tend to shy away from labels anyway. Still, it is most unfortunate to me that anyone should be threatened by the notion of female equality and empowerment just as many are threatened by the equality and empowerment of Black people. Neither of these notions are attempts at a hostile takeover. Yet, many of the same brothers who agree with me 500% about the empowerment of people of African descent will be the same ones bashing feminism and overly vocal about why they shouldn’t have to pay for a date.

Here is the deal. I am a woman. I represent life because I am the vessel that brings forth life. A man’s offspring cannot come to fruition without me or my sisters. Do I want to be treated as your equal? Yes. But let me define equality in my eyes. To me, equality means that my femininity should be respected and appreciated just as much as your masculinity. Do I want to BE you? No. I have no problem allowing you to be a man. So please allow me to be a woman. There is nothing more sexy to me than a man who is not afraid to get dirty and get underneath the hood of my car. That instantly makes me move toward the kitchen to bring him something cold to drink and to prepare something good to eat. I’m a nurturer by nature. Next are the brothers who make you feel safe. That is very important to me. If I know you have my back then you best believe I have yours and this applies to plutonic male friends as well. That doesn’t mean I’m a damsel in distress. I can take care of myself but the male energy is appreciated. There is a certain rhythm and energy that I exude as a woman and there is a certain presence that is felt from a man. Our differences should complement each other rather than conflict. I can afford to pay for all my own meals. But if you’re interested, then you should know I’m worth the courtship. As your efforts prove genuine there will be nice things that I do for you along the way that will prove you’re not wasting your time or money. And of course if we become an item then I will pick up the check sometimes just as I believe you would be willing to cook and clean sometimes.

So in essence, equality does not mean I want to become a man. I don’t believe when Black people fought for equality in America they were fighting to become white. They were fighting for equal access to civil rights. So brothers, I have no problem with you wearing the pants. But do you have a problem with valuing my skirt, beyond what’s underneath it? I believe I am speaking for most if not all of my sisters when I say we do want you around. I bet most of you know quite a few women you can go to for a meal, encouragement, to watch your children etc. We DO want you. We DO still need you and our assertions for equality and appreciation should not negate our need for you. We need you as our friends, brothers, fathers, husbands, neighbors, etc., so let’s work with each other to better understand the positive outcome of masculine and feminine energy working TOGETHER.

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Omi’s Note: I normally avoid writing about the latest “news” in the blogosphere. I enjoy sitting back and marinating in it all and then posting a reply way after the “news” becomes “old news.” However, Erykah Badu’s latest video for the song “Window Seat” is an ideal opportunity to discuss sexism, male privilege, and the black women’s body. Enjoy and please discuss. 

 Being the father of a young daughter has been a tremendously eye opening experience. Not just as a father but as a man. Before I even heard of the word, I became aware of male privilege but could not name it as I watched my daughter grow. I immediately began to think: am I going to raise her under the same social mores that dictate outdated gender roles? Will I teach her how to play baseball? Will I teach her how to knife fight or throw the hands? Will I implement stricter curfews then I do with my sons? I am so thankful for having a wife to sit down and discuss these issues. My wife has also pointed out my male privilege.

Coming from a Pan Africanist/Black consciousness point of view, I automatically assumed that like my wife, my daughter would wear 3/4’s of cloth. You know, she would be covered.

Again, my wife pointed out the fallacy of that ideology. While there is nothing wrong with modesty, the rules come from men and women are rarely asked their opinion. This fact my wife pointed out quickly. While men tend to set up a uniform code for women and their morality, almost no rules are placed on men.

Growing up, I often hear menfolk talk about particular women. The ones we considered modest we set aside and stamped them “the ones we bring home to momma” while the rest we placed in a hierarchy of good girls and bad girls. Of course, the bad girls were the ones we considered to dress like whores. Very short skirts, high heels, and showing cleavage were the uniform of whores. We treated these women with contempt and used them as if they were play things. However, most of us learned very early that one should not judge a book by its cover or as we used to say in the Loisada, “don’t sleep on the Catholic school girls…”

As I traveled around the world, I continued to learn that rule. Just because someone wears a nicely pressed three piece suit doesn’t mean that person is morally upright. Just because a young lady shows some cleavage and much more hips than one expects doesn’t mean she is going to an interview to become a prostitute. Some of the most immoral and vile people I met were those who dress modestly.

One lesson I did learn when my daughter was born was that from the moment of birth, I began to see my daughter in every woman. Yes, even the crack whore on the corner. I no longer saw death in her eyes but I saw the big brown eyes of my daughter looking back. It was tremendously sobering. I began to realize how we menfolk have total rule over our women’s bodies. A woman will be abused on any level no matter what she is wearing. Just because a woman chooses to wear pun pun shorts does not mean that she deserves to be treated as a subhuman. I am ashamed to hear men imply that women who dress a particular way are less than anyone else. No matter what we wear, we are human beings.

I heard much of this banter when discussing Erykah Badu’s lastest video. I am a huge fan of hers. My daughter is a huge fan. She was literally born to her music. My wife gave birth while listening to “Mama’s Gun.” When I think aloud and say “I wonder what to get _______ for his/her born day,” my daughter replies, “Get him/her an Erykah Badu cd.” In our household Badu can do no wrong. In her latest video, Badu again pushes the envelope. No glamor, no make up, no glitz, no expensive lighting or cool graphics. It’s just Badu right down to the flesh. I love it.

Even before this video I heard quite a few brothers grumble about her children with several men. While I admit its a bit much but who am I to talk? I have children with two different women as do several of my peers (especially the ones who are grumbling). Heck most of the men who are doing the grumbling aren’t even married! Yet for some reason, they feel justified in questioning the morality of Badu. I have even read articles about this! Yet, no one puts folks like Mos Def and other artists who father children with several woman and also claim to be trying to uplift our consciousness (One forgets that even the mighty Che Guevara and Mahatma Ganghi neglected their children — no one brings that up!). This is a sexist double standard. So when Badu shoots this video all of a sudden she is not “righteous” (something she never claimed to be) or “conscious enough” or “falling off.”

It’s Badu’s body to do what she wants to do with it. Who are we to tell her what to wear or how to make a video? If the song was lackluster, which it isn’t, we have every right as fans to be critical of her work. She is a musician. That she has claimed over and over. Yet questioning her morality or stance as a “Queen” (which is a term we throw around too loosely and place on women to attain sometimes impossible standards — but that is a post for another day) is what we are doing as if we are the Iranian police who walk around and make sure everyone is being an obedient muslim. It’s totally and utterly hogwash.

Some might argue, “well what is the difference between what she did and what Lil’ Kim or Foxy Brown did?” Simple. What Lil’ Kim and Foxxy did was maintain a particulary male patriarchy in the pimp/gangsta motif. Instead of claiming a particular concept whether new or old, they instead chose to mimic. Lil’ Kim’s earlier work was written by the late Biggie Smalls. Foxy Brown rode the coattails of some of her male counterparts. Badu stands alone and calls the shots. THAT’s the difference. Beyonce is known for her body and ass shaking not her talent. Beyonce also adheres to Eurocentric standards of beauty. Badu again calls the shots (note: she wore a do rag in the video…).

In the end, it is about power and male privilege. Unfortunately, it is the black women’s body we are attempting to control when it isn’t even ours. It’s theirs. Women have the right to self determination when it comes to their bodies. Men don’t. My daughter and wife are not my property. I am sure my daughter will make the right decisions. I am not worried about that. I am worried however about how my fellow men will percieve her and treat her. That’s where the trouble lies.

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Dan Tres Omi is one of my favorite bloggers. His points of view are no holds barred and very interesting and  relatable. I also appreciate the fact that he is one of the few brothers not afraid to speak out against male-privilege. You can find more of his blogs at http://selfra.blogspot.com/2010/04/how-aging-b-boysb-girls-should-be.html

To make what Obama is or is not doing the focus of a more than four hour modern day Salem Witch Trial (oops I meant discussion) is promoting the waiting on a hand-out, dependent mentality that is plaguing our communities right now. Blaming the white man has been replaced with blaming Barack Obama. They’re basically telling Black America to wait on this new savior. He is the reason for our problems and until he does what Tavis and his crew want him to do we are doomed. I disagree.

Revolution starts from the bottom up. The change that people desire to see begins in our own communities. It begins when WE realize the power we have as individuals and as a group. We don’t have to wait on anyone. We don’t have to wait on Obama nor do we have to wait another four years to see the actions and results of Tavis’ “Covenant With Black America.” I do believe that we should hold people accountable but should that be the focus? Now if this had been my panel I would have urged my brothers and sisters to realize the simple things that can be done alone or with your family and friends in order to facilitate change. I think so many people want to help make a change but are caught up in believing they have to perform some grandiose task in order to make a difference. That could not be further from the truth. But we need specifics. We need more than abstract ideas. We need something beyond the rhetoric. It’s time to stop getting people riled up and then leaving them with no plan of action. So, for those of us who are involved keep pushing brothers and sisters. For those of us who want to get involved but aren’t sure how here are five simple but important things you can start doing to help bring about positive change.

FIVE Simple Things YOU Can Do to Help Improve the State of Black America:

1. READ TO A CHILD
If you are a parent it is imperative that you take the time to read to and/or with your child. You can also take it a step further and read to a child that is not your own. It could be your niece, nephew or your neighbor’s child. You could also volunteer at a school, community center or community organization. I doubt they will turn away volunteers. It only takes you making the effort. Also, begin to give BOOKS AS GIFTS to the children you know. Give books just because or give them as birthday presents.

2. CLEAN UP OUR COMMUNITIES
If you litter-STOP! If you live in a Black neighborhood and there is litter all over the ground–pick it up! If your neighborhood is clean go to another neighborhood with your trash bags and gloves in tow and start picking things up. Bring friends with you. Speak to the brothers and sisters who live there. Let them see what you’re doing right so they can realize what they’re doing wrong. Some will look at you like you’re crazy. Some will pitch in and some will not care. You’re doing it because it’s the right thing to do. For those who come over to assist you, encourage them to do the same on a regular basis. It
3. SUPPORT BLACK OWNED BUSINESSES
Find out where the Black owned businesses are in your city and patronize them. Make the extra effort. Tell your friends and family to do the same. Hold them to the same standards of professionalism that you hold other businesses but don’t be harder on them than others. If they don’t meet those standards talk to them about it or write to them. It’s bigger than you or me as an individual. Try it. That’s the least we can do. Also, try to find out how to BECOME a Black owned business.
4. BUILD ON YOUR INTERPERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS WITH BLACK FOLKS
We can’t move forward if we don’t respect and trust each other. Do you value your brothers and sisters as much as you value others? If so why is the murder rate where it is? Are you a Black woman who does not get along with other Black women? Is it simply because you don’t trust or have you been sneaky? Are you the sister who will sleep with someone else’s man? Are you competing with your sisters? Either way, let’s re-evaluate and do better. Brothers, is your ego so thick that you cannot get along with other brothers? What can you do to better get along with the opposite sex? Try to make a conscious effort to speak to and compliment the brothers and sisters you see on a regular basis. Let’s work with each other instead of against.
5. BECOME MORE INVOLVED IN LOCAL POLITICS
As a disillusioned political science major I definitely have to work on this one personally. The fact of the matter is that the actions or inactions of local politicians will have more of an impact on us than any president will. Learn more about the local politicians and vote, even if it is for the lesser of two evils. We got out and voted for Obama so let’s be sure to vote for the people who pass the legislation that affects our day to day lives.

Disclaimer: I do not claim to have all the answers. I just think instead of asking my people to tune into abstract ideas, finger pointing, pimp-like sermons and personal agendas I’d rather offer a starting point for those who can use one.

Peace

I believe it is a given that things are not where they should be between Black men and women but I must say this. Lately I have had some of the most soul stirring experiences and they all occurred as the result of Black men. Where do I start? I’ll begin with the two brothers I haven’t been in touch with for years. One of them I went to middle school with. The other brother, well, he and I attended the same college. I put out a status on Facebook asking for people to submit photos for my “Black Marriage” photo gallery and come to find out middle school homie is a newlywed and he gave me a beautiful picture of him and his wife. They had such wonderful things to say about each other. The pictures were lovely. They looked like one of those couples who just make u smile when you see them. Love and respect was apparent. I’m like India Arie. Those “little things” mean a lot. In the midst of this constant barrage of assaults on the Black woman it feels good to see that Black men still think it’s cool to love their women. Then I reconnected with college homie and immediately saw on his Facebook page that he has become the father of two precious little girls. Now if it wasn’t obvious enough that these beautiful, brown, babies are the reason he lives, it was stated directly when he told me in our “catch up” email. He went on to say how much his daughters have changed his life and caused him to become a different man. You know how you can just feel when it’s sincere? It really was. Breaking generational curses by being there for his daughters; how could you not love that?

Then there were my two fellow blogging homies. One wrote a blog about the effects of his 100% commitment to his wife. He broke it down on many levels! Very honest. The other went hard about the responsibility that Black men have to us as Black women. To the naysayers I can tell you that neither of these writings were ploys to “get play from

women” because I know both of these men live what they speak. I won’t give away more because I plan to post both of their blogs here at some point for all of you to read. Reading their thoughts and feelings made me feel proud to say the least.

Next, there were the three sisters who replied to my call for married couples. They spoke so highly of their men and they were genuinely happy. There were a few stereotypes shattered here. All of them are Black, educated and married. They are happy. Obviously they are with men who love Black women and when they talked about their marriages it was all family based. It was based on how their husband treats them and their children. From each woman it was all about the team. It was about love. Neither of them mentioned income which is the complete opposite of what people often say is the primary focus of Black women in relation to our men.

Finally, there was the brother who hit me up to ask me to write about domestic violence. He told me about an incident his friends witnessed the night before that they told him about. He was upset because his friends were talking about it but not willing to do anything. He was on his way back from out of town and coming up with his plan of action to do something (lawful) about it. Then there are the numerous Black men I know who love their wives and love their children. There are the ones who use social networking sites to speak out against misogyny. There are the ones who champion those issues that are usually deemed as “women’s issues.” They contribute to their communities and many of them work hands on with our youth. Those are the same ones who meet and greet me with respect in person and online. I don’t know about you but those things matter to me. They make me feel good. They are a reminder that there are brothers out there who have our back. Should there be more? Yes. But there are plenty who we often don’t see because they don’t get media play. There are still brothers who love and respect the women in their loves. There are brothers who want the best for us. These examples also prove that Black women do get married and that sisters do not have to feel they will always be alone. I am confident in knowing that I am able to witness and experience Black love on a daily basis. I am confident in knowing that there is a reason why I call Black men my brothers. You may accuse me of being overly optimistic but my heart feels good. What about yours? I So to all the brothers who genuinely have love and respect for the Black woman we see you and we appreciate you. Thank you.

Is that me? Is that you? Is that your mother, sister, cousin or the lady in your life? Would you say that all or most of the Black women you know can be described using most of those adjectives? Well I can’t. Yet every time I browse the television or the blogosphere there is some special, some article or youtube clip declaring why Black women are single and why our men don’t want us. It’s as if this topic will not go away. Yes, I’ve touched on this somewhat before but months later it’s still news. I find it odd that in a society where hot news has a life span of no more than a week, this Black woman bashing seems to be on eternal life status. I find it to be very damaging and divisive. Both Black men and women have had a difficult time with the media but now they seem to be on a mission to pull us even further apart. They opened up the package and set “The Blame Game” on our tables. They’re peeking around the corner to see if we’ll take the bait and…of course so many of us have. Black women on this side. Black men on that side and we go at it. Let the blaming begin. Well I am sick of it.

What’s even worse is that Black media is now in on it too. FYI: Black women are single for various reasons. Have you ever thought that some of the single sisters are not looking to be involved at the moment? Or what about the fact that a lot of Black women are married?  I know a lot of Black women who are married. I happen to know a lot of Black men who love and respect Black women. Furthermore, this media assault would lead one to believe that all white, Asian, Latina and non-Black women are docile and submissive and that they possess ALL the traits of an ideal women. Puhleez. I’ve seen some of those women letting their men have it-in public. No race or gender is monolithic and no race of women is perfect. Don’t fall victim to the media. Don’t let them allow us to pic each other apart and turn on each other.

March is Women’s History Month. That means the next three weeks on cleverspeasks.com will have a lot to do with celebrating all things feminine. So I’m asking everybody who reads this to leave a comment about your love and appreciation for Black women. Whether it’s your mother, grandmother, aunt, wife, girlfriend, boss, co-worker, neighbor etc., tell us what you love about us. Tell us how awful your life would be if we disappeared. Sisters you are not excluded from this. We have mothers, grandmothers, best friends and mentors as well. If you canNOT find anything positive to say about Black women then I reiterate; the crime is “Black Female Image Assault” and YOU are GUILTY!

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I recall being overcome with emotions as I would pass cotton fields in Alabama as I drove to school. I recall thinking of how many of my ancestors toiled that same blood stained land hundreds of years ago and how many of them hung from those very same trees I passed. It almost brought me to tears as I thought of the strange fruit Billie Holiday sang of. I’d get angry sometimes when I thought about how I may be the only one thinking this. Then I would shake it off and prepare myself for the tasks ahead of me.

I recall being completely overwhelmed with emotion in August 2005 when the levees broke in New Orleans and I saw images of helpless, forgotten Black people in pure survival mode. I saw Black people who were thrust into a position to fend for themselves as if they were animals stranded in the wild. I saw the elderly, children, men and pregnant women. I saw people. I saw them crying. I saw them trying to make it. I saw families separated. I saw them grieving for the loss of loved ones. I saw them hurting. I saw them persevering. I saw it and I wept. I saw it and I was mad as hell. I heard the media call them refugees. I wanted to fight someone. I wanted to curse somebody out. I went and volunteered at a shelter in Atlanta. That wasn’t enough. My brothers and sisters were hurting. The media and the government had to be reprimanded before they recognized them as people. Damnit Black people are people. Poor people are people. In 2008 why the hell do we still have to affirm that we are people too? We are human beings!

Amodou Diallo was a person. He was somebody’s son. He was sitting on his porch in 1999 minding his own business. He was being “obedient” when he was bombarded by the police. He went to pull out his identification and died because of it. He was met with a barrage of 41 deadly bullets. He died because he fit the profile of a Black “thug”. He was automatically a villain because he was Black. Now he is no more. Now he lives no more. He breathes no more. He is merely a historical reference to police brutality and judicial injustice in the United States of America. Sean Bell was somebody’s son. He was about to be a husband. He was a father. There is a black woman who is an unwed mother now. She is an unwed mother not because her man didn’t want to marry her. She is an unwed mother because her unarmed husband- to- be was killed by the police. Her daughter has no father not because he ran out. He was snuffed out. He was killed at the hands of the police. He will not be there to provide for his family. He will never hug his wife again. He will never play with his daughter. He’s dead. The young man, the human being is gone. He too is merely a historical reference of police brutality and judicial injustice in the United States of America.

Let’s not forget that our ancestors were considered to be chattel. They were not considered human. It eased the conscious of the oppressor if he convinced himself the atrocities he committed were being done to sub-humans. It’s one thing to hang a human being. It wasn’t so bad to hang, whip or castrate a nigger. In 2008 so many of us feel we have arrived. Have we? Sean Bell’s killers are free. Amadu Diallo’s killers are free. Should I run down the rest of our brothers who died this way? Their killers are free. So, are they too considered chattel? Does America’s heart bleed when Black men are gunned down? I couldn’t agree with Mos Def any more when he said “the length of Black life is treated with short worth.” The sad thing about it is that his statement applies to us too. Sean Bell’s killers included Black men. I didn’t start writing this to go into details about the tragic incident. If you didn’t read about it I ask that you take time to find out more. However, I do have to add that after the 50 shots were fired it was reported that Mr. Guzman, the passenger in the car, leaned across Mr. Bell with his bloody arms extended in a gesture of surrender. Mr. Bell was slumped back and lay there mortally wounded. Yet the lead detective ordered that both men be handcuffed despite their deteriorated medical conditions. Where is the humanity in that? So they mistakenly thought Bell and Guzman were armed when they shot at them 50 times. After the policemen emptied their guns at these young men, these people, and walked over and saw them half dead, how much of human beings did they consider them to be if they ordered defenseless people to be handcuffed? How much did they value their lives? Did they still feel their own lives were “in danger?” Did they feel the victims were so dangerous that even as life was leaving Mr. Bell’s body he still belonged in handcuffs? Were they thinking about his future being gone? Were they thinking about his family? Did he remind these officers of their sons and brothers? Or did he remind them of this American image of Black men as thugs?

Yet, I can’t end this piece without addressing that on the other side of the law lies our responsibility as Black people. For my brothers who are holding it down, taking care of themselves, their women and children, I applaud you. For the brothers who turned their lives around, I applaud you and I have your back. But for my brothers who have internalized this thug mentality I am mad as hell at you. The numerous murders of Black people in Chicago are at the hands of other Black people. The numerous murders of Black men in Philadelphia are at the hands of other Black men. Tears land on my keyboard and anger and frustration fill my heart as I think of this. The conditions of this society are hard no doubt. There are so many wrong choices that are easily available to a Black man growing up in the inner-city. But it is time to pause. It is time to think. It is time to regroup and reroute. This façade of being the hardest has to end. There are people who care. There are people who are trying to help. Chasing after instant gratification has to stop. The right way isn’t always the fastest or easiest way. It is time for Black men to realize how valuable their own lives are! It is time for Black men to think long term. It is time to realize the long term effects of murder. It is time to stop thinking that if you kill a Black man it is no big deal. Raheem’s life is just as valuable as Raymond’s and we better start to realize that. Until we do, the police, both white and Black will continue to gun down our men with no repercussions. After all, if we are gun toting thugs who easily kill each other doesn’t that give the cops the right to fear us-so they say? Diallo and Bell probably would have been shot by another Black man anyway right? Come on people. Anybody else angry?

We have to do better. We have to become proactive. Our reactions have to be more powerful. We have to unite. We have to educate our children and each other. We must also talk to our brothers about how to respond when stopped by the police. Everyone can do something. If you are frustrated leave me a response. If you are frustrated talk to people around you and come up with things you can do no matter how big or small. When these things happen we can’t just watch it on the news then forget about it. My heart goes out to the family of Sean Bell and to the families of all Black men who died at the hands of police brutality. Let’s all do our part to bring about change.

Power concedes nothing without demand. It never did and it never will. Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have the exact measure of the injustice and wrong which will be imposed on them.

Frederick Douglass

History books and a Monday off in January have reduced Dr. King solely to be a man who had a dream. Yes, everyone knows that he had a dream. Most know that he wanted to see the day that his children would not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. However, there are many positions he took that the media doesn’t want us to know about. They make sure to recycle the same sound bites over and over again and mold our image of him as this safe, meek, peace maker. History books will have you to believe he was viewed as an American hero. They would like for us and our children to believe that he played it safely and was met with no opposition.

It is very problematic when we allow others to define history for us. We end up only knowing what they want us to know. See, for those of us who do not know, Dr. King was a very complex man. Yes, he wrote soul-stirring speeches and he marched and fought for racial equality. However, he also championed causes that were not quite as popular. Throughout his life his views began to shift and change as often do the views

of great thinkers and doers. He was a man with convictions. As he witnessed life happen in America his convictions grew stronger and he was not afraid to follow them. Near the end of his life he had lost the support and backing of Washington, and many white and Black Americans. He spoke out openly against the war in Vietnam. He was labeled a communist. He grew increasingly frustrated with the lack of progress in the quest for racial equality in America. He was assassinated in Memphis where he was to attend a second strike for Black sanitation workers. He was certainly not out to win a popularity contest and if he were alive today he would not be deemed politically correct. Face it. Dr. King had radical views. I caution people to never allow mainstream media to be the medium that gives US our history or define who WE are. Look how long and hard of a struggle it was to get an MLK holiday. Here in Virginia we had “Lee, Jackson, King day from 1984 to 2000. He had to share a holiday with two confederate generals. Nice huh?
So here lies the problem. In addition to us not taking responsibility and doing all that we can collectively and individually to help our communities; we are waiting for a leader who does not exist. We are waiting for a watered down version of the truth. True leaders like Dr. King are not always popular and loved by all. They are not crowd pleasers. Dr. King did not help change this country by doing what was safe. He made changes by doing what was right and what was needed. We cannot allow other people to define our leaders. We will doubt the ability and sincerity of local grassroots leaders. We will doubt the abilities of ourselves as leaders because no one can measure up to this partial portrayal of the good, safe hero who had a good, safe dream.

On this day of commemoration please take the time to reflect upon this complex man and all that he stood for. Let’s honor him by not being selfish. Let’s honor him by being more involved our communities and the world. Let’s honor him by picking up a book and finding out exactly who he was.

 
I’m just reiterating what they told us. In a nutshell Black men aren’t worth a damn. Attractive and accomplished Black women can’t even get a Black man. And if you’re thinking of following Oprah’s advice to begin dating outside your race, forget about that too! According to this panel of ladies the white guys will flirt but not much more. They don’t want to take you home to mama. You are taboo and not as coveted by other races as the Black man is. So sisters, if you’re seeking marriage I guess you need to start re-routing your energy. Take a yoga class, learn how to knit, hit up the SPCA and go ahead and get your first cat. I mean you’re going to end up being an old cat lady after all right? Or you can just learn to accept jump off status or lady on the side. I mean after you worked hard to earn your degree or degrees, after you’ve opened up your own business, or after you made it far enough just to get up and go to work everyday and take care of your kids, just revert backwards. Why be the only one? That’s overrated right? Well, it at least seems to be unrealistic according to ABC News. I mean after you overcame heartache from giving your all to a relationship that failed this is what you have to look forward to. You got your self-esteem back on point but never mind. Only half of you can get married and that’s at the whim of these philandering Black men out here. Oh, wait, they did have Steve Harvey, the newest relationship guru to offer you a gleam of hope. Date old. Get with the older guys he said. They’ve exercised all their options so they will now be appreciative of a young woman like yourself. So there is hope afterall!

 
Ok, who’s buying that BULL? I’m not and I hope you aren’t either. I have seen and heard more white women than you know complain about not being able to find a good man. Is there a disproportionate amount of Black men in jail? Hell yeah. But does that mean YOU won’t get married? No. Do some Black men use the numbers game to their advantage? Yes. Do they all? No. Could they have had a similar discussion of frustrations in the dating world with a panel of white women. Yes. The frustrations may have varied somewhat but they still would have been there. Do we face unique challenges when it comes to dating and marriage as African Americans? You bet we do. Are they insurmountable? No! The problem is we keep letting other people tell us who we are. We are defining our situation through the eyes of others. I am not trying to say it isn’t rough out here for Black women and men when it comes to dating and marriage. But I will say this. The blaming and finger pointing has got to STOP.

 
If you ultimately want to end up with a Black man or a Black woman then we better start playing on the same team. We have to be for each other and not against each other. We must first learn to view each other as friends, as equals. Not competitors in a game. We better learn how to talk to each other and express ourselves. We better learn how to listen. So many of us did not grow up with an example of a flourishing marriage between our parents. Even more of us did not see a marriage or functioning relationship at all. So we have to find our way. We have to talk it out. We need to sit and build with a group of brothers and sisters about Black male/female relationships. Learn how to speak from an angle of progression instead of blame. We’ve all been hurt. By 25 nobody is willing to just throw their trust and feelings out there without a ton of caution. But if we learn how to cultivate true friendships with the opposite sex that is a start. Learn how to not always focus on how you can get over on the opposite sex. Sisters, value your brothers as friends. Brothers value your sisters beyond our bodies. Communicate as friends. Then it’s not so difficult to communicate as lovers. Don’t be afraid to read books by people who are qualified. Think about it. You had to take a class or go through some type of training to do your job efficiently. How is figuring out how to make love work any different? Read. Observe. Work on yourself.

 
Finally, I say guard your perspective. Always check the source when you hear things. If someone who continuously makes bad choices in the opposite sex is the one talking in your ear(even if it’s your mother or father) stop listening to him or her. If someone who has no clue about the Black experience is giving you statistics on Black relationships…well you know that just doesn’t make sense at all. Since when has the media contributed to us seeing positive images of ourselves? Why don’t we ever see a panel discussion with happily married Black women or men? Because they want us to think that concept is as elusive as four leaf clover. I think they are succeeding. See, there was a time I would have agreed with those four ladies 100%. And even now I am not trying to say their experiences are not valid or real. But they are not the experience of every Black woman. I know a lot of Black women who are married to wonderful Black men. I think there is a trend happening where women in general are marrying older in a lot of cases. Not old, but older. We don’t know what those ladies statuses will be 3 to 4 years from now. I’ve seen love creep up on people for real. There is no need to doubt it will happen for you. Also, I can’t close without stating that I see a lot of Black men saying they desire to settle down. Again, we are not listening to each other.

While I hope to get comments from people dealing with all aspects of love I really want to hear from Black men who want to be committed and from Black women and men who have found a good spouse. I think those perspectives are often unheard. Just be optimistic sisters and brothers. Let’s work on how we communicate with each other and how we value each other. We need each other as brothers and sisters, as friends, as spouses, as guards of our children and communities. The changes start within our own minds and our own circles. I don’t know about you but ABC News will NOT define my reality.

**Clever is not currently seeking a husband but she does not believe there are no good Black men out there nor does she believe she will never have one.**