Head shaking, lip smacking, gyrating, over-bearing, weave-wearing, non-supportive, nappy-headed, uneducated, baby making, materialistic, shallow, over-educated, too dependent, too independent, lazy, success driven, masculine, overweight, unattractive women who drive their men away and force themselves to be the largest race and gender of singles in the nation…

Is that me? Is that you? Is that your mother, sister, cousin or the lady in your life? Would you say that all or most of the Black women you know can be described using most of those adjectives? Well I can’t. Yet every time I browse the television or the blogosphere there is some special, some article or youtube clip declaring why Black women are single and why our men don’t want us. It’s as if this topic will not go away. Yes, I’ve touched on this somewhat before but months later it’s still news. I find it odd that in a society where hot news has a life span of no more than a week, this Black woman bashing seems to be on eternal life status. I find it to be very damaging and divisive. Both Black men and women have had a difficult time with the media but now they seem to be on a mission to pull us even further apart. They opened up the package and set “The Blame Game” on our tables. They’re peeking around the corner to see if we’ll take the bait and…of course so many of us have. Black women on this side. Black men on that side and we go at it. Let the blaming begin. Well I am sick of it.

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So I’m sitting here on my bed with my laptop as usual. Except this time I’m being  pretty non-productive because I have a cold and I feel like crap. My mind is scanning from one thought to another in a matter of seconds. Then a friend hits me up on Facebook chat and I reveal a horrible, most disheartening conversation I overheard in a public restroom between a young Black female and her friend over the phone last night. Then somehow we begin talking about misogyny. Next we end up speaking on that ABC News special that reported 42% of Black women will never marry. What can you say about that statistic? It sucks right? Yeah it really does. They spoke to four Black women ranging from their late 20’s to early 30’s. All of them were attractive and accomplished. All of them were single with the desire to be married. The ladies ran down the obstacles they felt they have encountered in efforts to try to find a good Black man as a mate. They toyed with the alternative of dating outside their race. You, know the option Oprah not only endorsed but encouraged on her own show. Then the narrator Cynthia McFadden, a white woman, ran down the gloom doom statistics of the state of the Black man in America. “First she told us there are 1.8 million more Black women than Black men. Then she said if you eliminate the Black men without a high school diploma, those without a job and those who are incarcerated between the ages of 18-34 that leaves only one-half of Black men being eligible to pop the question.” From there they cut to a clip explaining the depths of sadness felt by Black women at the abundance of Black men who are imprisoned. What did I get from this special? Basically, sisters, if you are over 18 and not married you have about a snow ball’s chance in hell at finding a Black husband. If you are 30 or above you might as well join the site www.forgetaboutit.com!

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This blog was inspired by a recurring non-conversation that I have with an old friend of mine from back home. He lives on the west coast these days but apparently there are pieces of him that have never left the South. See, when we catch up he and I talk about everything. Life, music, family, friends, fun, the future, his son, you name it. But when it comes to relationships he goes dead silent. I think I know enough about this person to do some serious damage to his name if I ever betrayed his confidence. So he knows I am someone he can trust. Yet when it comes to this one particular aspect of his life I know nothing. There is this elusive woman in his past that is a forbidden topic. I’m almost certain I could get the last four digits of his social and his credit card number before he would divulge any info on this chick. No, it’s not because he’s still with her and doesn’t want me to know. This is my friend, not a man on a mission. I know that he won’t talk about it because it’s a source of pain. The only info I get is that this woman crosses his mind almost every day. That bothers me because I have been there before. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been betrayed. I’ve stuck around after I should have been long gone and I became a prisoner to my own thoughts. I want so badly for my friend to be free from this. But his situation got me to thinking about the effects of being hurt by love from a male perspective….

Society tells men that they should not show pain. No signs of emotion, no signs of hurt should ever come from a MAN. Yet, there are certain times it’s okay. If his mother or his child is sick it’s okay. I mean if a man is around his boys and

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Initially there was not going to be a second blog this week. But I was inspired by the comments left by both the brothers and sisters on my previous entry. I came down a little hard on the brothers this time. But they owned up to what was true and made known the parts they disagreed with. I always love getting insight from Black men. It’s awesome when you guys open up to us. A valid point was made by one of the sisters as well. She said “Relationship 101″ should be a mandatory class taken in grade school. That is funny because friends of mine know that when/if I decide to be in a relationship the brother has to show me that he has taken and passed that exact course with nothing less than a B+. That has been my mantra for quite some time now. Show me the report card honey! But another important comment was made publicly on my site and similar ones were sent privately to me. The most important thing we can do for the young, Black & single dating scene is to LOVE OURSELVES! Self love is imperative and it’s the magic answer to the final exam in Relationship 101. You know like answering “C” on the S.A.T’s. There’s a high probability that if you love yourself and couple that with the love of a higher power then you will pass the class with flying colors.

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I had the opportunity to catch up on a little girl talk over the weekend. It’s always great to have those types of conversations with girlfriends. So as I was thinking of a topic for this week’s blog a lot of the conversations I had were buzzing around in my head. I was thinking of what came out of sisters’ mouths when referring to the opposite sex. There was no bashing because all the women I know like men. But there was some disappointment. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t recall some sentiments of disgust as well. What also piqued my interest was how dating has changed between the last three decades. Last week I found myself belting out that old Stephanie Mills 80’s hit “You’re Putting A Rush on Me” while I was driving. She was basically telling the brother to back off with trying to get some. I thought it was funny when she said “I know that we’re living in the 80’s but some things never change.” I was thinking, I don’t know about that Stephanie. Then there was Black Girl. Remember them? They sang the anthem “90’s Girl.” You know, “I’m a 90’s girl in a 90’s world. Won’t be used for sex. Independent and strong I can make it on my own.” Then I thought…where do we stand today as women in the dating scene? What are our expectations of ourselves? What are our expectations of men and what do men expect of us?

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GUEST BLOGGER:  Seyram Selase

First off I must say that I might get in trouble for this one, but anyone who really knows me understands that I don’t really care. All I can do as a human being is to express my views through my own critical and analytical thought and hope that it helps someone or can provide some constructive direction (not criticism) to my own life. Thus, I want to speak on this current female anthem. The reason I am doing so now is because usually these songs have a little lag time before the message of them truly takes hold of the community. I also want to acknowledge that all females do not fall in line with what I am about to say, but I am simply speaking from the stand point of what I have seen.  

The Uh-Uh-Oh song and many like it encourages women to respect themselves enough to the point to if a man says he likes “it” then he needs to put a ring on it. While this is very true and admirable, I feel that these songs do not do enough to describe what that “it” is. The “it” should be described as a woman loving HERSELF to the point that she has developed a sufficient amount of self-worth to not be treated as an object but as a human being. Now some women may trust that they have developed this capacity but their actions say otherwise. If a woman cannot stand to be alone sometimes, dates men that they know are no good for them, or just acts as though she is immune from fatherhood issues (if she has them) then she does not have the “it” just yet. For a woman to have “it” to put a ring on there has to be a process that she goes through just like a man does in claiming his manhood. Presently what I have witnessed is women finding default substitutes for not truly finding themselves and the men that they truthfully desire to be in their lives.

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Many of you already know that I turned the BIG 3-0 in February and yes I am still rocking the hell outta 30! Along with many things that I am happy and grateful for in the wake of crossing this threshold, some thoughts have been confirmed. I remember last year when I turned 29, I pondered over the fact that I was a 29 year old woman with no children. I even joked with my friends that I had until May to ensure that I didn’t become one of those first time mothers in her 30’s. Well, brothers and sisters that will be me. At this rate I could be a first time mother in my 40’s because currently I’m in no rush.

Yes, I will be one of those women who has her first child in her 30’s at least. Believe me I am very much okay with  this. Turning 30 has been liberating. So far 30 has been acceptance of life as it has come and looking forward to what’s in store. It feels very good too. Still, I notice that my choice of not yet having children seems to make me strange to quite a few people. It has caused me to receive threats from my mother. See, I’m an only child and she is not happy about the fact that I haven’t produced her any grandchildren. Last week she called to tell me that she will only be passing out Cleverspeaks.com flyers to potential son-in-laws down in ATL. Yeah, she’s real serious about this. Sorry Ma. I’ll have to hide this blog from her because it’s just not looking too good for her right now. It doesn’t stop there though. Last week a woman told me I might want to start freezing my eggs. Yup. Sure did. I’m like “Geez, I’m 30 not 60. I have been accused of being selfish and if you know me you know I am the complete opposite. I’ve been asked if I even like kids. Come on now. Like O.D.B. I’m for the children! Anybody who knows me knows that I love children. I also increasingly run into people who ask me if there is something wrong with me because I don’t have children. I have been asked if I am frigid, per se, but with much more “vivid” terminology. Finally, I get the scowls of “What are you waiting for?” or “Do you even wants kids?” Well, I’m not frigid, won’t conceive till I jump the broom someday and yes I DO want kids…eventually.

So, does this make me a Bald Eagle or some other rarely seen animal lurking around the U.S?

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Ok, I love to talk. I absolutely love to engage people in conversation. Regardless of race, gender, culture or age it’s not uncommon for me to have people sharing with me their most personal thoughts and feelings. People are interesting to me and I care about what’s going on in the lives of other. I’m also willing to share when it comes to my own.

With all that sharing going on, one thing I have noticed to be common when talking amongst women is that a lot of sisters have insecurities when it comes to body image. There was a time when statistics showed that Black women were least likely to have negative perceptions of our bodies. That has begun to change over the years.

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Valentine’s Day is this Saturday. The stores are filled with all that mushy, played out red paraphernalia. For those who like all that stuff fine. We all can’t like the same things. Personally, I prefer someone who can match my creativity-all year. As for me, I’m looking forward to Sunday so I can go buy all those leftover Reese’s and Kit Kats in red wrappers for half off! But February is indeed my birth month and quiet as it’s kept I am a closeted romantic just not in the traditional way. Not many people know this. Therefore, if I am ever confronted about this admission I will by all means vehemently deny it.

Anyway, the focus of this month is Black History and Love. So what about Black love? Is it real? Does it still exist? Let me try to scratch the surface of what I believe to be an important subject. In this day and time of high divorce rate, serial cohabitation, increasing options and acceptance of interracial dating(no offense to those who do so) and lack of examples, does Black love even stand a chance?

Today, so few of us come from homes where mom and dad were married. Even fewer come from homes where mom and dad were happily married. For most people, life experience is their frame of reference as to how to conduct themselves. If most people grew up seeing that papa was a rolling stone and mama was unhappy and alone, what effect does this have on our psyche? I notice that many of us don’t even believe in or expect marriage anymore. What has this lack of love done to our family structures?

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The Washington Post ran an article last month stating that the number of Black male youths killed in gun crimes has increased by 40% since 2000. Did you notice it said KILLED as in dead, gone, lifeless, never to walk the face of this earth again? I hate to be so blount but then again I don’t. It is most unfortunate how so many people in our community place no value on human life. We are out here killing each other as if it’s a joke. I mean brothers act like if you shoot someone, on the third day he will arise from the dead and everything will be gravy. Well, that’s clearly not the case. When you take a life that person is gone forever. His loved ones are left with only memories, pain, anger and regrets. These are our brothers, sons, boyfriends, husbands, fathers of our children, friends, etc, who are dying and killing each other.

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