Freedom vs Commitment: Torn Between the Two
There are quite a few people, conversations and life experiences that led me to this blog but I will focus on the most recent. Earlier this year I posted a status on Facebook exclaiming that I had removed the batteries from my biological clock. Different people interpreted that statement in very different ways. What did I really mean by it? Well, it was an assertion that society was not going to dictate my womb’s timetable. As a 31 year old single Black woman I get my fair share of “Why don’t you have any kids? What are you waiting on?” Then there’s my favorite “You don’t have much time left.” Ouch! No, actually those comments don’t penetrate beyond annoyance. But here lies the actual problem with the frikken biological clock. Around 28 my desire to be a wife and mother had begun to dwindle. By the time I turned 30 I was comfortable with stating that I am enjoying being single and I do not want children right now. Yeah I said it. I took those batteries out and I became the master of my own overly discussed biological clock. From 28 to 30 years old I was high off being a single lady and nobody could get me to believe anything was better. But now in my 31st year there seems to be an internal battle ensuing and hence a new controversial Facebook status…
Last week I posted on Facebook that I think I just may be ready to put the batteries back into the darn clock. Again, people interpreted this to mean a variety of things. It sparked quite a few phone calls and texts from family and friends. So then I began to think “Whoooa. Slow down everybody.” Nothing is about to occur tomorrow. To me this simply meant that I
about male privilege and gender roles and how they affect the Black community. I notice a common sentiment that is brought up by quite a few of the brothers in these two conversations. For one, when attempting to make people aware of the concept of male privilege I was labeled as a feminist. All I did was ask a question. I never stated a position. When speaking on gender roles and expectations I got quite a few “Why should I have to pay for a date when you women decided you wanted to be equal?” There seems to be a feeling that women need to choose between equality and chivalry and I personally disagree with that.
pretty non-productive because I have a cold and I feel like crap. My mind is scanning from one thought to another in a matter of seconds. Then a friend hits me up on Facebook chat and I reveal a horrible, most disheartening conversation I overheard in a public restroom between a young Black female and her friend over the phone last night. Then somehow we begin talking about misogyny. Next we end up speaking on that ABC News special that reported 42% of Black women will never marry. What can you say about that statistic? It sucks right? Yeah it really does. They spoke to four Black women ranging from their late 20’s to early 30’s. All of them were attractive and accomplished. All of them were single with the desire to be married. The ladies ran down the obstacles they felt they have encountered in efforts to try to find a good Black man as a mate. They toyed with the alternative of dating outside their race. You, know the option Oprah not only endorsed but encouraged on her own show. Then the narrator Cynthia McFadden, a white woman, ran down the gloom doom statistics of the state of the Black man in America. “First she told us there are 1.8 million more Black women than Black men. Then she said if you eliminate the Black men without a high school diploma, those without a job and those who are incarcerated between the ages of 18-34 that leaves only one-half of Black men being eligible to pop the question.” From there they cut to a clip explaining the depths of sadness felt by Black women at the abundance of Black men who are imprisoned. What did I get from this special? Basically, sisters, if you are over 18 and not married you have about a snow ball’s chance in hell at finding a Black husband. If you are 30 or above you might as well join the site 
you? Are you bored with the monotony of your current routine? Have you ever done a fast forward in your mind to 10 years from now and thought “It’s got to get better than this!” Or are you content with your current routine but still feel there is more that you were put here for? Well, I’m writing this blog to encourage everyone to consider redefining your life and your goals. Now make no mistakes, I am not a therapist nor am I a financial planner. But I am a woman in hot pursuit of her passion. I don’t have all the answers but what I learn along the way I share freely. We are living in a time where working one job for 20-30 plus years and retiring comfortably is no longer a guarantee. For many people of my generation it no longer even seems to be an aspiration. There are still some careers out there that are pretty stable but so many of us received a rude awakening in the last two or three years when it came to employment. Here’s the deal…it’s time to step out on faith people and start silencing the voice inside that’s telling you “You can’t get anywhere doing that. Are you crazy?” I’m challenging everybody to sit down and listen to the other voice, the feeling, the desire to be a jewelry designer, to start that non-profit organization, to open that business, to open that barber shop and make use of your talents and passions.I see it going on all around me. This month my best friend had her grand-opening for her personal training business. It all came into fruition within half a year. She decided she was going to do it. She applied for the materials to take the test for her certification, she studied, passed the test, shopped around for a studio and BAM…next thing you know
dearly. I have two daughters with successful careers. My oldest daughter is married with two children. My second daughter is married with one child. Then there’s my baby, my one and only son. He is in his senior year of college. He goes to a majority white college as did both his sisters. However, African Americans make up about 30% of the student body. So what is the problem? Well the problem is that my son does NOT date Black women at all. He has brought women home with him (he stays with his father when that occurs) and none of them have been Black. I’ve seen pictures of him with mostly white women, some Asian, and some Hispanic. Throughout all his years in college his girlfriends have been white. When he was in high school he did at least date some Black women but they were all very fair skinned or mixed.
comes to relationships he goes dead silent. I think I know enough about this person to do some serious damage to his name if I ever betrayed his confidence. So he knows I am someone he can trust. Yet when it comes to this one particular aspect of his life I know nothing. There is this elusive woman in his past that is a forbidden topic. I’m almost certain I could get the last four digits of his social and his credit card number before he would divulge any info on this chick. No, it’s not because he’s still with her and doesn’t want me to know. This is my friend, not a man on a mission. I know that he won’t talk about it because it’s a source of pain. The only info I get is that this woman crosses his mind almost every day. That bothers me because I have been there before. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been betrayed. I’ve stuck around after I should have been long gone and I became a prisoner to my own thoughts. I want so badly for my friend to be free from this. But his situation got me to thinking about the effects of being hurt by love from a male perspective….
Initially there was not going to be a second blog this week. But I was inspired by the comments left by both the brothers and sisters on my previous entry. I came down a little hard on the brothers this time. But they owned up to what was true and made known the parts they disagreed with. I always love getting insight from Black men. It’s awesome when you guys open up to us. A valid point was made by one of the sisters as well. She said “Relationship 101″ should be a mandatory class taken in grade school. That is funny because friends of mine know that when/if I decide to be in a relationship the brother has to show me that he has taken and passed that exact course with nothing less than a B+. That has been my mantra for quite some time now. Show me the report card honey! But another important comment was made publicly on my site and similar ones were sent privately to me. The most important thing we can do for the young, Black & single dating scene is to LOVE OURSELVES! Self love is imperative and it’s the magic answer to the final exam in Relationship 101. You know like answering “C” on the S.A.T’s. There’s a high probability that if you love yourself and couple that with the love of a higher power then you will pass the class with flying colors.
have those types of conversations with girlfriends. So as I was thinking of a topic for this week’s blog a lot of the conversations I had were buzzing around in my head. I was thinking of what came out of sisters’ mouths when referring to the opposite sex. There was no bashing because all the women I know like men. But there was some disappointment. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t recall some sentiments of disgust as well. What also piqued my interest was how dating has changed between the last three decades. Last week I found myself belting out that old Stephanie Mills 80’s hit “You’re Putting A Rush on Me” while I was driving. She was basically telling the brother to back off
with trying to get some. I thought it was funny when she said “I know that we’re living in the 80’s but some things never change.” I was thinking, I don’t know about that Stephanie. Then there was Black Girl. Remember them? They sang the anthem “90’s Girl.” You know, “I’m a 90’s girl in a 90’s world. Won’t be used for sex. Independent and strong I can make it on my own.” Then I thought…where do we stand today as women in the dating scene? What are our expectations of ourselves? What are our expectations of men and what do men expect of us?
to be alive. I was going to write this long elaborate blog that went through the events of my twenties. But I got half way through and was like “I’m really not feeling this.” I don’t want to bore anyone with all the juicy details of what went on in my twenties. I’m sure nobody wants to hear that. However, I will say that the funny part about it is that a lot of the juicy stories happened at 28 and 29. But things are back level now so don’t worry. 
not fall in line with what I am about to say, but I am simply speaking from the stand point of what I have seen. 
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