So I’m sitting here on my bed with my laptop as usual. Except this time I’m being 
pretty non-productive because I have a cold and I feel like crap. My mind is scanning from one thought to another in a matter of seconds. Then a friend hits me up on Facebook chat and I reveal a horrible, most disheartening conversation I overheard in a public restroom between a young Black female and her friend over the phone last night. Then somehow we begin talking about misogyny. Next we end up speaking on that ABC News special that reported 42% of Black women will never marry. What can you say about that statistic? It sucks right? Yeah it really does. They spoke to four Black women ranging from their late 20’s to early 30’s. All of them were attractive and accomplished. All of them were single with the desire to be married. The ladies ran down the obstacles they felt they have encountered in efforts to try to find a good Black man as a mate. They toyed with the alternative of dating outside their race. You, know the option Oprah not only endorsed but encouraged on her own show. Then the narrator Cynthia McFadden, a white woman, ran down the gloom doom statistics of the state of the Black man in America. “First she told us there are 1.8 million more Black women than Black men. Then she said if you eliminate the Black men without a high school diploma, those without a job and those who are incarcerated between the ages of 18-34 that leaves only one-half of Black men being eligible to pop the question.” From there they cut to a clip explaining the depths of sadness felt by Black women at the abundance of Black men who are imprisoned. What did I get from this special? Basically, sisters, if you are over 18 and not married you have about a snow ball’s chance in hell at finding a Black husband. If you are 30 or above you might as well join the site www.forgetaboutit.com!
I’m just reiterating what they told us. In a nutshell Black men aren’t worth a damn. Attractive and accomplished Black women can’t even get a Black man. And if you’re thinking of following Oprah’s advice to begin dating outside your race, forget about that too! According to this panel of ladies the white guys will flirt but not much more. They don’t want to take you home to mama. You are taboo and not as coveted by other races as the Black man is. So sisters, if you’re seeking marriage I guess you need to start re-routing your energy. Take a yoga class, learn how to knit, hit up the SPCA and go ahead and get your first cat. I mean you’re going to end up being an old cat lady after all right? Or you can just learn to accept jump off status or lady on the side. I mean after you worked hard to earn your degree or degrees, after you’ve opened up your own business, or after you made it far enough just to get up and go to work everyday and take care of your kids, just revert backwards. Why be the only one? That’s overrated right? Well, it at least seems to be unrealistic according to ABC News. I mean after you overcame heartache from giving your all to a relationship that failed this is what you have to look forward to. You got your self-esteem back on point but never mind. Only half of you can get married and that’s at the whim of these philandering Black men out here. Oh, wait, they did have Steve Harvey, the newest relationship guru to offer you a gleam of hope. Date old. Get with the older guys he said. They’ve exercised all their options so they will now be appreciative of a young woman like yourself. So there is hope afterall!
Ok, who’s buying that BULL? I’m not and I hope you aren’t either. I have seen and heard more white women than you know complain about not being able to find a good man. Is there a disproportionate amount of Black men in jail? Hell yeah. But does that mean YOU won’t get married? No. Do some Black men use the numbers game to their advantage? Yes. Do they all? No. Could they have had a similar discussion of frustrations in the dating world with a panel of white women. Yes. The frustrations may have varied somewhat but they still would have been there. Do we face unique challenges when it comes to dating and marriage as African Americans? You bet we do. Are they insurmountable? No! The problem is we keep letting other people tell us who we are. We are defining our situation through the eyes of others. I am not trying to say it isn’t rough out here for Black women and men when it comes to dating and marriage. But I will say this. The blaming and finger pointing has got to STOP.
If you ultimately want to end up with a Black man or a Black woman then we better start playing on the same team. We have to be for each other and not against each other. We must first learn to view each other as friends, as equals. Not competitors in a game. We better learn how to talk to each other and express ourselves. We better learn how to listen. So many of us did not grow up with an example of a flourishing marriage between our parents. Even more of us did not see a marriage or functioning relationship at all. So we have to find our way. We have to talk it out. We need to sit and build with a group of brothers and sisters about Black male/female relationships. Learn how to speak from an angle of progression instead of blame. We’ve all been hurt. By 25 nobody is willing to just throw their trust and feelings out there without a ton of caution. But if we learn how to cultivate true friendships with the opposite sex that is a start. Learn how to not always focus on how you can get over on the opposite sex. Sisters, value your brothers as friends. Brothers value your sisters beyond our bodies. Communicate as friends. Then it’s not so difficult to communicate as lovers. Don’t be afraid to read books by people who are qualified. Think about it. You had to take a class or go through some type of training to do your job efficiently. How is figuring out how to make love work any different? Read. Observe. Work on yourself.
Finally, I say guard your perspective. Always check the source when you hear things. If someone who continuously makes bad choices in the opposite sex is the one talking in your ear(even if it’s your mother or father) stop listening to him or her. If someone who has no clue about the Black experience is giving you statistics on Black relationships…well you know that just doesn’t make sense at all. Since when has the media contributed to us seeing positive images of ourselves? Why don’t we ever see a panel discussion with happily married Black women or men? Because they want us to think that concept is as elusive as four leaf clover. I think they are succeeding. See, there was a time I would have agreed with those four ladies 100%. And even now I am not trying to say their experiences are not valid or real. But they are not the experience of every Black woman. I know a lot of Black women who are married to wonderful Black men. I think there is a trend happening where women in general are marrying older in a lot of cases. Not old, but older. We don’t know what those ladies statuses will be 3 to 4 years from now. I’ve seen love creep up on people for real. There is no need to doubt it will happen for you. Also, I can’t close without stating that I see a lot of Black men saying they desire to settle down. Again, we are not listening to each other.
While I hope to get comments from people dealing with all aspects of love I really want to hear from Black men who want to be committed and from Black women and men who have found a good spouse. I think those perspectives are often unheard. Just be optimistic sisters and brothers. Let’s work on how we communicate with each other and how we value each other. We need each other as brothers and sisters, as friends, as spouses, as guards of our children and communities. The changes start within our own minds and our own circles. I don’t know about you but ABC News will NOT define my reality.
**Clever is not currently seeking a husband but she does not believe there are no good Black men out there nor does she believe she will never have one.**
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Statistics can always be adjusted/changed to make things look good or bad. There are plenty of good black men (including c_styles) that are out there. What is “successful”? 2 or 3 college degrees? 6 figure job? There are guys that want to settle, have good honest jobs , never been locked up and do things the right way and some women won’t look his way because he is just a mechanic, cook, black jack dealer, works in a warehouse…ect..ect). I mean college isn’t for everybody and shouldn’t be the main measuring stick for what is considered “successful”. Women and men are letting good people pass by with the whole “Not on my level” deal. If you making 80k and you shooting down every guy who doesn’t make the same or more than you then you shrinking ¾ of your pool right there. Have standards but be realistic with them. He has to look like Boris Kodjoe, Debonair like Denzel, Funny like Jamie Foxx and Paid like an NFL player….C’mon Son! I can give you 2 out of the 4. Lol
You’re right about us needing to communicate better that is one of the main problems. We really don’t know how to talk and listen to each other.
dope piece
you made some great points:
1. We do let others make statements and set standards for ourselves. Kugichagulia is important when it comes to this. Self determination is the key. It bothers me that the mainstream media (MSM) have taken this story and run with it.
2. you are so right! we need to stop blaming one another. we are on the same team.
3. and yes, we have to talk about it.
That’s some GOOD stuff, Clever. And you did the nail right on the head on so many aspects. Men have become lazy. Any woman that also becomes lazy in her expectations passes that trend on to the next, and thus the cycle of 2-star women begins…leaving society with a mess.
Wow God Wow. lol That’s all I have to say, for now.
I think Clever is so insightful. Her assessment of the black relationship paradox is right on the money. The media does create and reinforce our collective insecurities while omitting the positive perspective of the many happy relationships in our community.
She even offers advice on how to repair the negative side of the argument.
1.Friend based communication is key.
2.We must make ourselves better by learning about how to effectively cultivate our romantic bonds as we do when it comes to our jobs, childbirth or how to set the time on the dvd player.
3. Change starts within.
Clever you’re the best! I can’t wait to buy your relationship book when you decide to write it.
This is a topic that has many implications with regards to how we allow others to shape our reality and how we distort our own reality with the “fairy tale” dreams that we have about relationship and the opposit sex.
First, I think it is important to reiterate what Clever stated about our caucasian sisters and their inability to find a quality man also. Needless to say when the larger populations is doing race based statistics with regards to relationship, education, or, violance, I always see that imaginary disclaimer saying, ” Caution these Black on Black statistic were created with the hidden agenda of making Black folks feel that their living are always or boarder-line dimal”!
With that said, I am what they would consider to be an anomaly because I am married and to an outstanding man. I admit before I met my huband I had struck out in the game of relationships ( and no I did not look at relating to the opposite sex as being a game) and had all but given up on thinking about being in a relationship when he found me.
I do think that we as Black women have some requirements that end up with us missing out on a good thing. For example, I would not date younger men, yet my hubby is 3 1/2 years younger than I and we’ve been together for 7 1/2 years. Another example is I know women who will not date men unless they make a certain amount of money and are at a certain point in their lives. Now I am not talking about dating a 34 year old aspiring rapper, but I am talking about a 34 year old that maybe in the process of finishing his BA or maybe he is happily secure in his current job and does not want a BA.
I don’t know, sometimes we shoot ourselve in the foot and then we believe these crappy statistics that they put out about us or maybe it is that some of us believe out own HYPE, (I’m too successful to find a Black Man!).
And I have to admit, I was one of the ones that thought that I would never find someone to be in a committed relationship with listening to those ridiculous statistic that they put out every so often.
Bottom line is Don’t Believe the HYPE and don’t stand in your own way. If a relationship is what you want, the right relationship is out there waiting for both of you to be ready for one another. If you want a butterfly, you have to be a butterfly, right?
Success to me is never having to say “if only I had…” and some people (myself included) are very simple. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be rich, if that’s your dream then chase it…but to define everyone’s success by what you strive to achieve for yourself is absurd. Success is not only synonymous to wealth, status, health, family, friends or a mansion. Most of these are just needs, wants and position. Success is accomplishing a task or goal that is of great achievement…not only in the eyes of your peers, but also yourself.
Being a good Mother or a Father…having a functional family, having a steady occupation…just accomplishing a desire and everyone has different passions. Success is simply trying and succeeding. So if you’re not a forfeiter, you give 150% and you accomplish your goal you are successful.
The problem here in America is that we tend to only associate fortune & fame to success, these are the paradigms or the litmus test for prosperity and this is the road block we’re facing when seeking a partner. I know for a fact if I were to become a famous rapper I would have more “women” checking for me, but because I am not a flashy person and I define my life by principle rather than paper, it puts a deficit in my chances of finding compatibility from the opposite sex.
I believe we are deprived of simplicity these days. Everything has to be big with cameramen snapping photos and thousands of people watching. I’m the type of man that will leave change on the counter for you when you go to work so you’ll be able to buy some candy from the vending machine or I’ll wash your pillow cases and bed sheets so you’ll sleep like an infant from working all day and burn you a CD full of your favorite songs on your way to work the next morning, etc.
So there are plenty of benevolent men left, the good men are not locked up or married as some women like to say…I just think a lot of women have no idea what a good man is, some let the media form their opinion and the women that do know just have a hard time locating him and vice versa.
ok?…Please don’t look to Harpo for your advice for getting a man ………..In my years of life ..I have come to find women that have avery high standard in looking for a man…..when he could be your cableman…postman….ups driver….But women don’t want that…some want a guy to come in on a horse and scoop then up and the ride off into the sunset. And the race thing …if women (black) can find a gutythat respects the history of your people then maybe?….but I would say don’t look for the stuff you see on TV…….look where it has got you now!….and the men and numbers lie on the news!
Brothers and sisters need to get on the same wavelength…when I hear things like I can’t date him cause he doesn’t make enough money etc..etc…or a brother says I can’t date her cause she doesn’t look like a model….etc…I sit back and say to myself that Willie Lynch is still winning…keeping us divided…not saying no one should have standards but just keep them real…and stop letting the media brainwash u into their definition of what a good man is suppose to be…I’m not married by choice…when I decide to take that step..I will…u will not hear me say there are no good women out there cause that would be a lie!!
I am so sorry these ladies are going through what they are. I tell you one thing, Atlanta isn’t that far from Greenville S.C. They just in the wrong…no I am in the wrong place. Like Steve said, they all are gorgeous. They have a value about them that is 2nd to none. I would be thrilled to take any one of them out on a date and see what kind of chemistry we’d have. I am not at all an unattractive man, I as a matter of fact am on the higher end of the list. My point is, ladies there are men out there we to also just go through hell. I caught my wife today just over 2 hours ago as we speak with a man in the bedroom. So I am leaving my marriage. I mean come on its not just you ladies, we men are also going through it now as well.
Most Black Women Mistreat their “Good Black Man” when they have one anyways. I never cheated on my girlfriend of 12 years, but she had 5 or 6 other relationships during ours, and even tried to pass someone else baby off as mines. Then she wonders why I never married her. Funny thing is I did plan to marry her until the first time she cheated on me wit a guy that got killed. Fuck trying to please these dumb ass women, most of them are hoes and gold-diggers anyways. They don’t deserve us, if they don’t know how to treat us. A lBack Man will be loyal to you if he can trust you, break that trust and you will never get it back! Plus this is all apart of the grand design to destroy the Black family, and Black Men falls into the trap every time by doing stupid shit to go to jail. But, as long as one Black Man Lives he can turn any race Black! Believe me they know that! They are trying to destroy the Black Man by dismantling his family unit, and making Black Women feel that they are better off dateing outside the race because there are no eligible Black Men out here. We are here, but we aren’t going to marry just anybody, you better believe that!
@Clever
I love you Child because when you have something to say you do it So well!
Go Head!
Just responding to some of those clips, lowering your standards.. not a good idea. Making slight adjustments like some ones height .. why not. Also..ladies get your selves mentally right before you even thinking of getting into a relation. You might have what you think is success (nice job, nice car, good home). They are things you should have regardless, but did you kick that good man away when you were becoming successful? I say that because men are accused of that all the time. ” He doesnt want to commit because he has to get himself together first”. Do women do that as well ? I was speaking to a lady who was focused on getting her career started first. Now that she has made it, now she is struggling looking for a man. She would say she messed with a few nice guys but she was focused on her career and didnt have time for a relationship. Hummm. I still believe that there is someone for everyone. And I hate to agree with this one but you attract what your energy is putting out. Put out good positive energy and you may see it come back your way. And ladies please clean out the closet before you get into a relation ship, get your mentals right first. Know who you are first, know what you want from your mate and put that energy out there.
@Nat Turner and BDrama
You are missing the point of Clever’s post. SHe is urging us not to place blame. Yet here you two go placing blame.
We need to stop out of our experiences and dialogue. Again, we are on the same team. Just because someone burnt you, doesn’t mean that all women are Jezebels.
Blaming doesn’t help…
you are right Clever, we do let others define who we are. I think most of all we accept what someone tell us and therefore it dictates our relationships. i wonder why we live and go by what others who have no idea about us tell us about us. i think until we learn who we really are and what we really can achieve as a people we will be stuck in this current mental and emotional rut we’re in now.
According to Dr. Milton Reid, this world is messed up, and I believe it. Both men and women are not fulfilling marriage vows, can’t stay out of the club lights, and forget or never knew what marriage is built on…a promise to God! There is still hope for black men and women to join in marriage, but u might have to curve your expectations a little bit. If your looking for the perfect man, ladies, you won’t get married. If you’re looking for a husband in the wrong places, then you won’t get married. If you don’t believe in God and his transforming power, then you won’t get married. But if you are truly sincere about wanting a BLACK husband, then pray and have faith in the One who can make it come to pass!
Hi Clever,
Surprise! I know this posting is about two weeks late, but better late than never huh? I am almost thirty and to be honest I always thought I would be married at this point, but I’m not and feel there is nothing wrong with that. I think it is hard to say who you will be with for the rest of your life at 24, 25, and maybe even 35. I think we evolve so much as people that what you may be looking for (standards) totally change as we age. I was engaged to a person I thought was Mr. Right at 25 but he was not meant for me. i’m not taking anything from him because it was a learning experience, but I truly would not be happily married if I had gone through with.
I agree with you saying not to let others influence our relationships. With that relationship people were in my ear saying, gurl you better marry him, you’ll be comfortable. Currently I’m happily dating someone who is fourteen years older than me and people say, ummm he’s old, BUT he has qualities that I’m looking for at this point in my life. It’s not always about looks, height, weight, and pockets full of money. Some of us will end up alone with our laundry list of qualifications.
Very well said as usual Clever,
It seems nowadays that we have a lot of different opinions that are being heard from everywhere that aren’t very focused and at most times either ignorant or misinformed. They somehow seem to be at the forefront. Just watch any panel on TV.
u so hit the nail on the head. I’m very big on befriending a woman and as I get older, friendship is all the more important. I’m not gonna front however, the physical plays an big part as well.
It is very important to not play the blame game, and of utmost importance to listen, discuss and befriend our women. As a dark-skinned man of large stature, I at times get different attitudes from women on initial meetings and I truly believe it has alot to do with what u stated which is that a lot of us (not all) grew up not seeing examples of loving relationships between a man and a woman, as well as the negative images that are fed to us on tv. Many may have seen just the opposite. With that said, in comes the insecurities per se when encountering someone who may have the values of what u may be looking for. (btw-not talking of myself, but in general)lol…
It is exactly like u said, and that is we tend to listen to the wrong advice. Stop judging a man by something as trivial as the shoe he wears, how much money he makes or the car he drives. It is a wonder that it doesn’t work in the grander scheme of things.
There are so many things that are out there to confuse us and keep us at ends as it is, without adding those things alone. I for one truly believe that the promotion of black women in corporate america is a divisive plan within itself to keep the black family seperated. I already know there will be some that will feel that as an undermining statement, so to u I say I already know of the hard work and sacrifices u made to get where u are and I commend u my sister. I’m just saying that it’s harder for a brother to do the same and that’s by design.
In a nutshell I guess what I’m saying is don’t always judge the book by it’s cover and be willing to give someone a chance. Things aren’t always what they seem and you may be surprised. Just because a brother is not all over you does not mean that he’s not physically interested, he may want to get to know you. Just because he may not follow trends, it may be that he can actually think for himself and may be conscious. (ok, I realize it’s starting to sound like I’m talking about myself:)
At the end of the day society is becoming more diverse in their thinking and we as black people really need to start doing some work on our own and stop waiting for the idiot box(tv) to tell us what’s going on out here in the world. It was once said that “if u ever want to hide anything from black people, all u have to do is put in a book. Let’s prove them wrong and step out of our comfort zones and start loving one another unconditionally.
One luv,
Martley2020
I adored this column. I haven’t seen that ABC special, b/c I’m just so sick of this meme. But I agree with so many of your points and quite a few of the comments. I’m happily married and I didn’t settle, relax my standards, or change the basics of who I am. I attended to my mental health — seriously, if you have some trauma and your pass and you’ve shoved it to the back of your mind and haven’t processed it, I truly do think it’s going to come back to haunt you. Most of the happily black married women I know have excellent mental health. Second of all, I didn’t waste time. My longest relationship before meeting my husband was one year. And afterward, I was upset, b/c I should have gotten out 3 months sooner.
I don’t think we should worry about the guys we’ve passed up. I’ve dumped and been dumped by quality guys. They shouldn’t be dump-proof just b/c they’re quality. All that matters is her right for you. If the answer is no, move along. This obsession with black women being “too picky” confuses me. In my experience, they’re not picky enough.
So in short, I would say, commit to good standards, get out there, and keep on looking til you find the one.
First of all they are naming these women as good catches but they haven’t told us about these women personalities and everything. Just because you got a good education, a good job and all the money doesn’t mean you are a great catch. Okay, you got all that, but can you cook, do you want to cook for your man and family, do you like kids, are you selfish, are you fussy, are you supportive, etc. Its not about money its about PERSONALITY. I don’t have a big time job now, but I’m focus enough to get one in which I’m doing now. I got a good education and everything but I never put my education above my character. My mama is smart and got a HS dipolma and she is a good woman. She’s a great catch and my paps caught her and kept her for 29 years now. I tell alot of girls that they need to listen and pay attention to the grandmothers with common sense. the older women. because I talk to alot of old ppl, they love that I come talk and listen to them. Alot of women talk to women their age who don’t know alot. You got a lot of women who don’t want it to be equal. If we gonna have a debate about something at least let me get a word. Or when you talking to me don’t get all mad and angry, challenge me in a cool way. Fellas do need to step up as well. We got to get our lazy self up and work and get a good education. Can’t goto jail all the time. The Family Vaules is MISSING. Men and women are not working together. We are playing the blame game and we are not going anywhere with that.